Friday, January 13, 2012

HOW TO COPE WITH GRIEF & LOSS OF A LOVED ONE

BY: DALENE MADU

1. Find support. There is nothing worse than being alone when you are in pain and grieving the loss of a loved one. Finding support from friends and family members -- and/or outside support from a therapist or grief group -- is absolutely critical. I cannot tell you how wonderful it felt for me when I told the news to my boyfriend and he immediately stopped what he was doing and embraced me. I thought I was okay, but when I felt his arms around me, I knew that I'd been in desperate need of that hug. It's important to grieve in your own way -- and sometimes that means being alone -- but especially in the initial stages of loss, it's essential to surround yourself with people who love and support you.

2. Look after yourself. When you're grieving, it can be hard to remember to take care of yourself. You're dealing with pain and stress and a myriad of emotions that you may not have experienced before. Accept that you are hurting, but don't allow yourself to stop caring for your physical body. Get as much rest as you possibly can. Eat food that will make you feel energize and healthy. Spend time meditating, walking, or taking a long bath -- anything that will leave you feeling more relaxed. It's easier to let things slide when you're upset, but being in an unhealthy, exhausted physical state will make your emotional pain much more magnified.

3. Let yourself feel. If you're anything like me, it's tempting to shut down when hard emotions come along, pushing them to the back of your mind and plowing through life appearing unaffected. Clearly this is not a healthy way to do things (believe me, I know!). It's important to let yourself experience all of the emotions you feel -- anger, hurt, loss, pain, etc. -- and fully experience them. Don't let others tell you how you should or shouldn't feel. Embrace your emotions and remind yourself that it's perfectly okay to feel the way you do. Dealing with loss, I've found, really brings up some odd feelings, but that's okay. You're allowed to feel however you want to feel (now, how you act on those feelings is a different story...).

4. Seek an outlet. I really believe you are entitled to feel whatever the hell you want to feel whenever the hell you want to feel it. That being said, you cannot always act on those emotions. Just because you are angry that a loved one has died doesn't mean you can lash out at loved ones that are still alive. Which is why you need an outlet. Whatever you love to do -- writing, painting, biking, soccer, bowling, etc, etc, etc. -- do it. Find a way to take your emotions and express them in a positive, healthy way. For example, writing's kinda my thing so I'm going to use that as an outlet (see below) to express how I feel about the loss of Jan. Writing really helps me to express my emotions in a positive way. Find what works best for you and do it.

5. Remember the good times. What always bums me out about funerals is all the black, all the sadness, the wet eyes and the sniffling noses. Of course, it's okay (and necessary) to be sad, but focusing on the loss instead of the great life that was lived has always seemed like a bit of a downer practice. Jan's friends and family put together a wonderful celebration of life ceremony, complete with uplifting poems, laugh-out-loud stories, and touching memories. Yes, there were certainly some tears shed, but I left the service thinking, "Wow, Jan had a great life filled with amazing memories and loving friends and family." It was so nice to celebrate her life -- remembering the good times -- instead of mourning her loss. Focusing on the positive makes such a difference.

6. Celebrate life. One of the things we can take away from a loss is a reminder to celebrate our own lives. As death reminds us: life is short. This is something we easily forget when we're healthy and living and going about our day-to-day lives. Take time when you're grieving to remind yourself that life is pretty awesome -- and it's also not infinite. Times of grief should also be times of celebration -- for the lives others have lives, for the lives we're still living. It might seem selfish or unfair to celebrate life when someone has recently lost a life, but it's not. It's most likely exactly what he or she would have wanted you to do.

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